You 2.0: When Did Marriage Become So Hard?

Marriage is hard — and there are signs it's becoming even harder. In the third episode of our You 2.0 summer series, we examine how long-term relationships have changed over time, and whether we might be able to improve marriage by asking less of it.

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Love 2.0: Reimagining Our Relationships

By Hidden Brain Staff

/ October 13, 2025

No one will deny that marriage is hard. In fact, there’s evidence it’s getting even harder. This week on the show, we revisit a favorite episode about the history of marriage and how it has evolved over time. We talk with historian Stephanie Coontz and psychologist Eli Finkel, and explore ways we can improve our love lives — including by asking less of our partners. Then, on Your Questions Answered, psychologist Jonathan Adler answers your questions about the science of storytelling.

Transcript

*The transcript below may be for an earlier version of this episode.
Our transcripts are provided by various partners and may contain errors or deviate slightly from the audio.*

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)VEDANTAM: This is HIDDEN BRAIN. I'm Shankar Vedantam.(SOUNDBITE OF PERFORMANCE OF MENDELSSOHN'S "WEDDING MARCH")VEDANTAM: No matter how many you've been to, it's hard to shake the contagious optimism of weddings. Couples vow to love one another in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer. Family members dab tears from their eyes, agreeing that these two people are meant to be together forever.But so many marriages become unhappy. Some dissolve. Some end in divorce. And even the successful ones aren't without challenges. No one would deny that long-term relationships are hard. And in fact, there's evidence they're getting harder. Why is that? This week on HIDDEN BRAIN, we'll take a closer look at the history of marriage.STEPHANIE COONTZ: Most of what we think of as traditional marriage was not traditional at all but a rather recent invention.VEDANTAM: We'll also explore the radically higher expectations we have for marriage today.ELI FINKEL: Lots of people argue that having these high expectations is problematic and it's harming the institution of marriage. And frankly, among the people who used to argue that is myself.VEDANTAM: And we'll discuss ways to improve our love lives sometimes by asking more of our partners and of ourselves, sometimes by asking less.(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)VEDANTAM: To understand marriage today, we thought it best to go back to a time and place when marriage was very different.COONTZ: Well, I've been studying the history of family life for many, many years, but I specifically got interested in marriage as we got into these debates about what traditional marriage was.VEDANTAM: That's Stephanie Coontz. She's a professor at The Evergreen State College and the author of the book "Marriage, A History." Stephanie says the earliest marriages had nothing to do with the feelings of two people or their attraction to one another. As you probably know, marriage was much more about economics and acquiring powerful in-laws.COONTZ: Marriage originally arose in more egalitarian band-level societies as a way of sharing resources and establishing peaceful relations with groups that you might otherwise only see occasionally and you might not know if they were going to be friends or enemies. It was a way of circulating obligations and goods. I marry my child off to you, and that means you owe me things, but I also owe you things.VEDANTAM: Stephanie brought up a famous example from history - the union between Cleopatra of Egypt and Mark Antony of Rome.(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra, Siren of the Nile.VEDANTAM: This is from a 1963 film version.(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)UNIDENTIFIED PERSON #1: Richard Burton as Mark Antony, rash, impetuous leader of once-invincible legion, dreaded adversary on the field of battle.VEDANTAM: The Hollywood version of this story portrays Cleopatra and Antony as being very much in love, but Stephanie paints a slightly different picture.COONTZ: I think that the theme song for that relationship could have been "What's Love Got To Do With It."(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT")TINA TURNER: (Singing) What's love got to do, got to do with it?COONTZ: There may have been passion, but it was more passion for power than sexual, although sexual probably entered into it, too.VEDANTAM: Cleopatra and Antony's marriage was primarily about strategy.COONTZ: Rome and Egypt were the two most powerful empires in the world, so getting them - anybody who got them together and got an alliance between them would be unstoppable.VEDANTAM: The story goes that Cleopatra was married to her brother. And without getting into all the details, let's just say she wasn't too happy with that, so she started an affair with Julius Caesar, the ruler of Rome. Cleopatra became pregnant. When the baby was born, he was named Caesarion. The child gave Cleopatra and Caesar a claim to each other's throne. It was something they both desperately wanted - sounds like an episode of "Game Of Thrones," right?COONTZ: Well, then Caesar died, and Mark Antony came along. And of course the story tells that she seduced him. But you know, when you really look at what was happening practically, this was another political alliance.(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "CLEOPATRA")ELIZABETH TAYLOR: (As Cleopatra) First, as did Caesar, you will marry me according to Egyptian ritual.RICHARD BURTON: (As Mark Antony) That's not a condition. That's a reward.TAYLOR: (As Cleopatra) You will declare by your authority Caesarion to be king of Egypt, and we will rule together in his name.COONTZ: Caesarion was too young to rule, and Antony could rule in his place, so it was a great big political alliance just like "Game Of Thrones."VEDANTAM: This marriage strategy wasn't just for kings and queens. There's a common misconception that people of lower classes in this time married for love - not true, Stephanie says.COONTZ: You couldn't run a farm with one person. You couldn't run a bakery with one person. So people who were bakers married other bakers. If you were a peasant, you wanted somebody who had a good reputation as a hard worker, and that was much more important than this - frivolous luxury is the way it was really thought of - as how attracted you were to the person.VEDANTAM: A different idea started to become more common in the 1700s and 1800s. Jane Austen, the famous novelist, may well have been the trailblazer. For those who don't remember the plot of her book "Pride And Prejudice," Mr. Darcy, who has been promised in marriage to his wealthy cousin, falls instead for Elizabeth Bennet, a woman of modest means, and that throws his aunt into a rage.(SOUNDBITE OF FILM, "PRIDE AND PREJUDICE")JUDI DENCH: (As Lady Catherine) Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?KEIRA KNIGHTLEY: (As Elizabeth Bennet) Only this - if that is the case, you can have no reason to suppose he would make an offer to me.DENCH: (As Lady Catherine) You selfish girl. This union has been planned since their infancy. Do you think it can be prevented by a young woman of inferior birth? Heaven and earth, are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted? Now, tell me once and for all, are you engaged to him?KNIGHTLEY: (As Elizabeth Bennet) I am not.VEDANTAM: So, Stephanie, talk about this. This is the first glimmers, if you will, of the idea that in some ways love was coming to conquer marriage.COONTZ: This clip you used is perfect because it illustrates the fact that men found it easier to embrace the love match (laughter) than women did. Men could marry down because they could go out and earn wages. Women had to be very, very cautious. You know, you could say my heart inclines to Harry, but, you know, I'd better marry who my parents want me to and the person who is most likely to be able to support me. And so there was a long period of time where men actually were more romantic than women in the courtship arena.VEDANTAM: By the second half of the 19th century, the Jane Austen model of ma

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