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What Makes Relationships Thrive
Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. But psychologist Harry Reis says there’s another ingredient to successful relationships that’s every bit as important as love.
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[A closeup of two people's hands, clasping each other, as seen between their two heads.]
Relationships 2.0: What Makes Relationships Thrive
/ November 28, 2022
Everyone wants to be loved and appreciated. In the final episode of our Relationships 2.0 series, psychologist Harry Reis says there’s another ingredient to successful relationships that’s every bit as important as love.
For more of our Relationships 2.0 series, check out one of our most popular episodes ever – about why marriages are so hard.
Additional Resources
RESEARCH:
Interpersonal Chemistry: What Is It, How Does It Emerge, and How Does it Operate? by Harry T. Reis, Annie Regan, and Sonja Lyubomirsky, Perspectives on Psychological Science, 2021.
How to Foster Perceived Partner Responsiveness: High-Quality LIstening is Key, by Guy Itzchakov, Harry Reis, and Netta Weinstein, Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2021.
Perceived Partner Responsiveness Scale (PPRS), by Harry T. Reis et. al (Eds.), The Sourcebook of Listening Research: Methodology and Measures, 2018.
Toward Understanding Understanding:The Importance of Feeling Understood in Relationships, by Harry Reis, Edward P. Lemay Jr, and Catrin Finkenauer, Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 2017.
Perceived Responses to Capitalization Attempts are Influenced by Self-Esteem and Relationship Threat, by Shannon M. Smith & Harry Reis, Personal Relationships, 2012.
Perceived Partner Responsiveness Minimizes Defensive Reactions to Failure, by Peter A. Caprariello and Harry T. Reis, Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2011.
Assessing the Seeds of Relationship Decay: Using Implicit Evaluations to Detect the Early Stages of Disillusionment, by Soonhee Lee, Ronald D. Rogge, and Harry T. Reis, Psychological Science, 2010.
It Takes Two: The Interpersonal Nature of Empathic Accuracy, by Jamil Zaki, Niall Bolger, Kevin Ochsner, Psychological Science, 2008.
What Do You Do When Things Go Right?: The Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Benefits of Sharing Positive Events, Shelly. L. Gable, et. al, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2004.
Perceived Partner Responsiveness as an Organizing Construct in the Study of Intimacy and Closeness, by Harry T. Reis, et. al (Eds.), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy, 2004.
CHAPTERS IN BOOKS:
“Why researchers should think ‘real-world’: A conceptual rationale,” by Harry T. Reis, in Handbook of Research Methods for Studying Daily Life, 2012.
“Perspectives on the Situation” by Harry T. Reis, and John G. Holmes, in The Oxford Handbook of Personality and Social Psychology, 2012.
“A brief history of relationship research in social psychology,” by Harry T. Reis, in Handbook of the History of Social Psychology, 2011.
GRAB BAG:
Flight attendant Steven Slater slides from a plane after quitting
Transcript
*The transcript below may be for an earlier version of this episode.
Our transcripts are provided by various partners and may contain errors or deviate slightly from the audio.*
Shankar Vedantam: This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. When Harry Reis was in middle school, he cared what his classmates thought of him. Now, all middle schoolers want to fit in with their peers, but Harry, he was next level.Harry Reis: I was somewhat insecure as an adolescent, very unsure of my standing within the social group that I lived in, and I would keep daily charts of how I was doing and who I connected with and who I did not connect with.Shankar Vedantam: Harry's charts did more than track who sat next to him at lunch or who joked around with him in the hallway.Harry Reis: No, this is actually more embarrassing than that. These were actually graphs where I would rate on a 10 point scale how I had done with various people on that day. So if I thought that a certain person had really liked me on that day, they would get a nine. And if I thought I really come across as an idiot with another person, that might be a two or a three. And I would have these charts over time where the lines would go up and down.Shankar Vedantam: It was a painful way to go through middle school, but it did come with an upside. Years later, Harry learned there were people who kept such charts professionally.Harry Reis: I discovered, "oh my God, there are people who actually make a life of studying this stuff." And it just instantly grabbed me because it was something that I'd always been doing.Shankar Vedantam: Harry went on to become a social psychologist. And he discovered that if you keep meticulous charts, if you track the ups and downs of relationships like an insecure middle schooler, you can actually discover really interesting things about the ebb and flow of human relationships. This week on Hidden Brain, the secret ingredient that makes some relationships thrive and others falter.Shankar Vedantam: Many of us know what it's like to meet a soulmate or kindred spirit at work. We know what it feels like to be inspired by a politician or a business leader, but what exactly prompts us to feel this deep connection with some people but not with others? Is it having a shared goal, the intangibles of chemistry, or does it have to do with temperament and personality? It turns out that beneath the feeling of being close to someone is a powerful psychological mechanism. At the University of Rochester, psychologist Harry Reis has studied this core ingredient of successful relationships. Harry Reis, welcome to Hidden Brain.Harry Reis: Glad to be here.Shankar Vedantam: I want to start by spending some time talking about a relationship in your own life, Harry. I think it speaks to some of the research insights you've developed over the years. I understand you grew up in a very tight knit community. You got married very young to a woman who was also from that same community. What was that relationship like when you first got married?Harry Reis: We grew up in a German Jewish community in the upper parts of Manhattan, and the community was very insular. It was very warm and connected, but there was also a sense that you would stay in that community when you got older, when you got married and began to raise children on your own. And so I had the expectation that I would find a partner in that group. And in fact, I did. I met my
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📄 reisetal_2018_pprs.pdf
📄 CaprarielloReis-2011.pdf
📄 LeeRoggeReis_2010.pdf
📄 GableReisImpettAsher_2004.pdf
📄 ReisClarkHolmes_2004.pdf